Chapter 3 – If a Girl’s Cleavage; is Bigger Than an F Cup; it’s Worth it to Marry… Oops, Too Many Syllables. (1)
Chapter 3: Part 1
That was hell. That was the very definition of hell. But the important word is “was.”
But wow, was Dai-sensei a good teacher. I managed to land a hit a bit after an hour in that void.
In the end, I couldn’t touch Dai-sensei at all after she had transformed into a masou shoujo, but I did successfully hit her after she dispelled her transformation.
What I had learned should work on Chris too. It was really hard, but I was happy beyond belief.
I was insanely tired though, and I slowly hobbled back to the darts bar.
“Ah, welcome back, Aikawa-san. That was fast.”
Kyouko greeted me with her angelic smile.
“Hueh? Ah, you’re right. I bet he cheated.”
These two seemed to know that whoever sexually harassed Dai-sensei would be dragged into a trial of strength.
“What’s up? You really look pretty beaten up there…”
“I take back what I said before. Dai-sensei is… terrifying.”
“Hoo hoo.” The owl agreed with my statement.
Kyouko was waving me over, so I dragged my tired body over to her.
“Aikawa-san, Aikawa-san… at this rate, why don’t we just put Ariel-sensei to sleep?”
“Eh? We can do that?”
Kyouko glanced over at Dai-sensei and nodded. Dai-sensei was chatting with Haruna as if nothing had happened. They were probably talking about how I had managed to land a punch during my trial.
… Yeah, that sounded good. I had only sexually harassed Dai-sensei back there because I didn’t know how to keep her in check otherwise.
“How do we do that?”
“Ah, looks like you’re interested. All we have to do is to get her to drink a lot of carbonated drinks.”
Carbonated? I frowned deeply. Kyouko chuckled at my expression and continued.
“Actually, Ariel-sensei gets quite drunk if she drinks carbonated things, and she falls asleep pretty quickly after that. However, I’m sure she would be suspicious if I offered a drink to her, and I doubt I could convince her to drink it, so…”
“I got it… leave it to me.”
I passed by Kyouko. Half a year ago, I would’ve called you crazy if you told me I’d be coming up with battle strategies with Kyouko someday.
First, Kyouko deliberately lost in a game of billiards.
“Ahh, it’s been so long that I’ve gotten pretty rusty. Could someone teach me how to play again?”
Kyouko was trying to get all the people gathered around Dai-sensei to flock around herself instead. Of course, even billiard beginners would jump at the opportunity to teach Kyouko if it meant they would be able to touch that body of hers. Like that, Kyouko disappeared into a throng of people who had been crowded around Dai-sensei. Meanwhile, I headed over to the tables.
Ahh… someone was calling me again. I took out my cell phone, which had suddenly started vibrating.
This time, I made sure to properly check the display. It was from Saras. Okay…
“Ah, hello. Saras?”
“My darling. Will you be much longer?”
… Her words made me realize something and I checked my phone. It was 5:03PM. Crap. Sara’s live performance had already started.
“Sorry! I’m really sorry!”
“Actually, the performance schedule has changed. Can you make it by six?”
“Ahh, I’ll definitely go! Please wait for me.”
“Okay! … Understood. I will wait for you.”
Saras sounded truly happy on the other line, and for some reason I felt pain shoot through my heart. I really had to quickly put Dai-sensei to sleep and make sure she didn’t do anything strange anymore.
The problem was how I was going to get her to drink something carbonated.
“… Check… how’s that?”
Hiramatsu made her move with confidence. But… Yuu countered almost instantly.
“Ah… that’s not good… I see… you wanted me to attack you, didn’t you?”
Even though she had just lost, Hiramatsu had a full smile on her face, and looked truly refreshed. She looked like she was genuinely having fun, from the bottom of her heart. It wasn’t an expression I was used to seeing from her.
“Yuu, sorry to butt in when you’re in the middle of something, but I need to ask you for a favor.”
I told Yuu about the situation, and asked for her help. We both took a glass of some kind of carbonated drink and pressed on Dai-sensei’s location.
“Dai-sensei, are you thirsty? Need a drink?”
I spoke up to her with a bright zombie smile on my face.
Dai-sensei was just on her way back to the tables, still spinning her cue stick like a baton.
“My myyy~~. I was just thinking about how I wanted something to drink~~.”
Dai-sensei had the same carefree tone as always as she pointed her pretty, pure eyes at me. I felt a bit awkward tricking her like this, but there was no time to be worried about things like that.
“Umm, this is the most popular drink in this world.”
I said that and handed out some cola to her. Most popular… yeah, I really didn’t know about that, but…
“This is carbonated, yes~~? I’m not too fond of carbonated drinks…”
Not surprising. She probably knew that she got drunk off carbonated drinks, so she wouldn’t try to drink any.
But then, Yuu brought over some ginger ale.
This is a drink made from ginger.
Lightning seemed to run down Dai-sensei’s spine.
“Ginger… you mean, that topping they put on tofu…?!”
There it was! Dai-sensei was really weak when it came to all matters tofu. I could see her looking at the ginger ale now like it was a juicy piece of wagyu beef.
“Yup. This is a ginger drink.”
If we wanted to win, we had to push hard here.
“That’s really really interesting~~… but can you really drink something like that?”
“Just try a little bit! Just a little. A small, teensy weensy bit!”
“Hmm… only a little then…”
Alright! Dai-sensei still looked reluctant but she took one swig of the ginger ale.
Eh? What was that cute sound just now? I watched as Dai-sensei’s cheeks began to flush red.
Everyone, please be careful not to get tricked by the words “just a little.” Those words will never ever be what they seem, no matter where you hear them.
“This is quite tastyyy~~…”
Gulp, gulp, gulp… it was like a dam had broken after the first mouthful. Dai-sensei quickly polished off the rest of the glass.
She was seriously drunk! I could see the alcohol… or I guess, the carboxylic acid in this case… just running through her system! Geez, that was fast!
But, this was a good opportunity. We had to use this chance and get her to drink more.
I made eye contact with Yuu and nodded. She went to the counter and came back with a ton of carbonated drinks.
“Come on, drink some more, drink some more!”
I sat next to Dai-sensei and refilled her glass. Yuu had brought over a lot of bottled drinks.
“My my~~. Should I really~~?”
Dai-sensei was presented with glass after glass of fizzy drinks. And she drank each and every one of them clean.
“Okay, let’s keep going!”
Yuu and I were starting to enjoy seeing Dai-sensei drink like that. Not to be outdone, we also followed her and drank lots of cola.
Let’s see who can drink faster.
“A contest, hmm~~? Fufu… I definitely won’t lose~~.”
Nice one, Yuu. Now we could naturally get Dai-sensei to drink a lot more.
“Okay, let’s drink on three then.”
Yuu, Dai-sensei, and I all readied our cups filled with cola.
“One, two… three!”
Gulp… gulp… thud. The first person to set her cup down was Yuu.
That was way too fast! This was cola, you know?! Dai-sensei was the next one to finish, and she chuckled, holding out her glass.
“Let’s go againnn~~.”
I filled Dai-sensei’s cup to the brim with ginger ale as she and Yuu had a glaring contest. Meanwhile, I poured cola in my own glass. I should be able to beat them with cola.
“One, two… three!”
Gulp… gulp… thud. Thud.
This time, Yuu and Dai-sensei put down their glasses together. Were their throats made of rubber or something?!
“Ayumu-saaan, who won that one~~?”
Yuu, you really are trying hard right now. You’re trying to get her to drink lots with this strategy of yours, aren’t you?
“It was a draw. Let’s try again!”
Like this, we had many more drinking contests.
Through it all, Dai-sensei was getting more and more into it, when…
She called my name with a sweet voice. What the hell was this erotic-sounding voice coming from her small body?
“Hyoehh?” I stiffened at her sudden proposition.
Her two pigtails touched me on the shoulder, and her face quickly drew near mine.
“Mmmmm…” Her small, soft, pink lips came at me.
“Hey, Dai-sensei?! Sto-“
“Ufufu, Ayumu-san is so shy~~. How cute~~… mmmm…”
Did this girl turn into a kiss demon or something when she got drunk?! Hurry up… hurry up and fall asleep, dammit! If we ended up having to fight in that dark space again… I mean, this was just way too much for my soul to handle! This wasn’t my zombie soul I was talking about… I could feel the ounce of human logic I still had just getting blown away. I braced myself and prepared to get pushed to the floor and to have my chastity stolen away from me, but at that moment Yuu came over with a mountain of mugs.
Were those… all filled with ginger ale?
Yuu was still emotionless, but I could spy a bit of seriousness in her eyes. She forcibly peeled Dai-sensei’s body off mine.
“Okaaayy~~. I won’t lose this time. They call me the strongest for a reasonnnn~~.”
I was saved… I guess? I felt a bit relieved and depressed at the same time, but managed to totter unsteadily away and escape.
The party was in full swing. Many groups had formed around the bar and they all seemed to be having a great time.
“… That’s… thanks but… I’m not… I’m not that cute…”
“No no, Hiramatsu-san is seriously cute! Come on, have a bit more confidence in yourself! Have a bit more passion!”
Hiramatsu was taking a short break after enjoying her shogi session with Yuu, but now seemed to have been surrounded by an overly-excitable guy. She had a troubled look on her face.
“Ahh, yeah yeah. We got it, we got it.”
Mihara also seemed to be acting as her bodyguard, and quickly dealt with the guy.
“Ahh, this is really impossible. The eighth time is already just awful.”
“Right? It’s definitely impossible. It’s common knowledge.”
Kyouko was laughing together with some guys. When I saw they were fiddling with a piece of paper, I guessed that they were trying to test the trivia that you could only fold a piece of paper in half up to eight times.
“Come on, bend over a bit more. You have a great butt, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Haha, I don’t wanna. Hahaha…”
Anderson-kun was teaching some girl how to play billiards. Hm? He was sexually harassing the girl, but for some reason they seemed to be having a good time. Ugh, people with good looks were just so…
Either way, it felt difficult to butt in to any of these groups.
I then saw Haruna in the corner. However, there was nobody next to her, but she was just there alone talking to the owl.
She’s been there talking to the owl all this time, hasn’t she?
“You know the saying ‘the scales fell from my eyes’? (1) That’s when someone is so surprised their contact lenses fall out, and everyone else stops and tries to help you, right?”
“Hoo hoo. Hookay.”
Hm? Were they actually talking? The owl was nodding as if impressed by something.
“Butterflies taste with their feet, you know! So I’m sure I’ll be able to do that someday too!”
“Hoo hoo. Oohh?”
They were talking, weren’t they? That owl had just said “okay” back to Haruna a few minutes ago, hadn’t she?
Haruna’s ahoge bounced happily back and forth. At that moment, a guy carrying a drink passed by Haruna, so she took that chance to speak up to him.
“Hey hey! I heard that the ’Forty-Eight Prefectures of Japan’ is the name of an assassin with forty-eight different abilities!” (2)
The guy really didn’t know how to respond, so he just slipped past and headed for Mihara. Haruna seemed a bit unhappy after that, but…
The owl seemed to sympathize with Haruna, and Haruna cheered up right away.
“Yeah, right? You think so too, right?”
I see. Everything Haruna talked about was way too strange for anybody else to follow, so she ended up alone and just talking with the owl for all this time.
Haruna should’ve just talked about normal things… why did she go out of her way to find really obscure things to talk about? Maybe she just really wanted to make new friends at this mixer…
So she would desperately try to find things to talk about, and then fail. Idiot…
Just ask normally, dammit. Haruna might’ve always acted in crazy ways, but I’m sure anybody would smile if they saw her enjoying herself like that.
But, she had come today to make friends.
She was trying to control herself from acting in her usual way, and came here in search of fun conversations.
I sat next to Haruna.
“What do you want, Ayumu? Go off over there somewhere!”
“Did you make any?”
“A boyfriend… or some friends.”
“… I don’t need any of those.”
Haruna sharply turned her back on me.
I took Haruna by the hand and stood up.
“What are you doing?! You damn pervert! You erol chocolate!” (3)
I left the owl behind and tugged Haruna by the arm.
“I wanted to get in with one of these groups here, but I don’t think I can by myself. So I need to use a super pretty girl like Haruna.”
“WWha?! Well, Ayumu is seriously gross… so I guess that can’t be helped.”
First, we went towards Hiramatsu, who was pretty nearby.
“Hey hey, you free this Sunday? You’re really cute. Seriously cute.”
Mihara wasn’t around anymore to protect Hiramatsu, so some tough-looking guy was now really aggressively pressuring Hiramatsu into a corner.
“…. Ummm… sorry… umm…”
Before I could say something, Haruna sent a flying kick right into the guy.
Alright, Haruna, go and tell him off. Just look at how much he’s bothering Hiramatsu.
“I’m cuter, right?! Say that to me!”
That was her complaint…? The guy held the back of his head, where Haruna had just kicked him, and just ran off without saying anything.
Geez, I’d have expected such a tough-looking guy to at least be able to say something back. What a paper tiger…
“Sorry…” As I watched his large back grew smaller in the distance, I apologized in Haruna’s place.
“Aikawa-kun… thank you… you saved me.”
Hiramatsu looked up at me and smiled. Haruna wasted no time to smack heron the forehead.
“If you don’t like something, just say it already! If that had been Ayumu back there, you’d already be pregnant by now!”
What kind of unprincipled person did they think I was? I’m not Orito, dammit.
“Sorry, Hiramatsu. This girl doesn’t mean anything bad by it.”
I felt just really bad at this point, so I moved towards the next group.
“Oh? Tae-chan, you managed to beat him back? Nice one.”
I saw that Mihara had returned to her seat by Hiramatsu, so I don’t think any weird guys would try to flirt with her anymore.
Well, Orito was also with Mihara… granted, they were always together, so this was still probably fine. Honestly, if Haruna hadn’t smacked Hiramatsu, I would’ve wanted to go back and join them.
But, for now, I had to find a group that Haruna could have fun in. Let’s try some other places…
The next closest group to us was Kyouko’s group. It was the largest group and seemed the most lively, so it was hard to try and get in there, but…
“Hey hey.” Haruna didn’t even hesitate before going in. You could almost say she had no tact…
“What is it~~?”
Even if Haruna had just randomly butted in, Kyouko was in her cute-and-innocent mode, so she responded with a smile.
“How did you get those breasts so pointlessly big? They fake or something?”
I could see Kyouko’s smile crumbling before my very eyes.
“Ahh. I love mayo! I’ve spent my entire life just eating lots of cabbage and mayo. Maybe it’s because of that?”
“Maybe it was all the cabbage instead, right?”
Kyouko had spoken up to the people around her. Like that, she could use this conversation as a jumping off point for everyone in the group to enjoy.
“You want to dress up like Kawasaki Mayo?” (4)
She confused it with something completely different! (5)
“Haruna, no. Not that kind of mayo.”
“Huh? I don’t get it.”
“Aikawa-senpai. Are you sure Rie-san is doing okay?”
I could feel a “get the hell out of here” aura coming from Kyouko’s words, so I sighed and took Haruna by the arm.
“Hey! Ayumu! I still haven’t heard the secret from big-breasts over here! Ukyaahhh!!”
I dragged Haruna away, and headed next to Yuu and Dai-sensei.
“Buhyaahh~~!! One more cup!”
I will not lose.
They were stuck in their own little world. Good, good. Like this, I doubt any random guys would come and try to butt in.
Also, this was a world I had run away from in the first place. There’s no way I was going back.
So… that meant Anderson-kun was the one option left.
“Ah, that’s good. Now, hit the cue ball here on the cushion, and let’s go for a two-bounce shot…”
He was in the middle of a lesson. I picked up a cue stick and handed it to Haruna.
“Anderson-kun, could you teach Haruna how to play billiards properly?”
“Ehh, but I was next…”
“Sorry. We need Aikawa on the basketball team, so I gotta do him this favor.”
I’m definitely not joining that team, you know?
“Okay, let’s get to it then. First, your form.”
Andreson-kun touched Haruna’s shoulder. And in the next instant, Haruna had started whacking Anderson-kun repeatedly with her cue stick, in the style of a Shaolin monk.
“You damn pervert! Ayumu! This guy is definitely trying to touch my Unlimited Breast Works!”
… This wasn’t going to work.
In the end, Haruna and I ended up going back to the corner where the owl was sitting.
Was there really nobody here that could get along with Haruna?
Haruna seemed exhausted as she collapsed into her chair, and let out a sigh.
“Ok, I know what Ayumu was trying to do there now. He was trying to train me like a monkey and make a business out of it, wasn’t he?”
“What kind of masochistic businessman would actually be able to make money off that?! I was just trying to make you a few friends.”
I don’t need them.
Is what she was about to say, right? But she didn’t say it.
After all, I believed that Haruna really did want to make friends.
“Hoo.” The owl raised up a wing.
“What are you doing?”
“Hoo.” The owl pointed her raised wing towards Haruna.
“Ahh, that’s her way of showing friendship. She thinks that high fives are a way to say ‘let’s be friends.’”
Anderson-kun came over with a smile and explained.
“Hoo hoo.” Come on, hurry up and high five me.
I could feel that the owl was saying something like that, but…
“I don’t need any friends! You’re more like one of my henchmen!”
What was she sulking about all of a sudden? Haruna sharply turned to face the other way.
Geez, stop trying to act so tough.
I went up to Anderson-kun and whispered in his ear.
“Sorry, but could you maybe try to organize something that Haruna would be good at? … You know, like some sports or something.”
“Well, we already tried billiards… I guess there’s just darts left.”
“Hm, darts? That’s… probably a good idea. I think Haruna would like that. Could you start a darts tournament?”
“… Sure, why not. I wanted to play some darts anyways.”
Anderson-kun gave me a thumbs up, and quickly went over to the counter to make preparations with the shop employee there.
Haruna was still sulking, and didn’t even try to talk to anybody.
Maybe I shouldn’t have taken her around the room like that? I scratched my head and searched for something to say to Haruna.
A certain someone caught sight of us like that and came on over.
“If a girl’s cleavage; is bigger than an F cup; it’s worth it to marry… oops, too many syllables.”
Orito smiled and said that without any hint of embarrassment in his voice. God, he was annoying, looking so proud of his spiky-haired head like that.
“Uwaah, that’s gross. What the hell was that supposed to be?”
“… Ooo… do you think… anybody would ever want to marry me…?”
Mihara and Hiramatsu both came over with their drinks in one hand.
“What’s that? Some weird song…?”
“It’s called a haiku. It has a rhythm of five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables again.”
“But then yours was just wrong.”
“It’s all about the rhythm! Haruna, wanna try?”
“… She is an angel; This great girl Haruna-chan; She is a genius.”
Haruna was still sulking, and just randomly threw that haiku out.
“Which one do you want? Do you want to be an angel or a genius?!”
I retorted like that, but Hiramatsu backed Haruna up.
“Maybe… she wants to write the word with the kanji for ‘genius’… but pronounce it as ‘angel’?”
“Hoo, hoo, makes sense, hoo.”
This owl definitely can talk. I heard it with my own ears.
“They both have to do with sky, after all… pretty amazing.” (6)
Eh? That haiku was amazing? Maybe Mihara’s head just was funny from hanging around too much with Tomonori? They did often say that if you hang out with idiots, you’d eventually become one yourself.
“As expected from Haruna-chan. But, there are ‘seasonal words’ for haiku, right? You have to use some seasonal words.”
Orito pushed his glasses up and proudly said that.
“Well, you didn’t have any of those in yours either.”
Mihara shook her head at the ridiculousness of it all.
“I think ‘marry’ is a seasonal word for June. In the changing room; bathing suit, just dive right in; the sound of water.”
“What the hell are you doing in that middle line?!”
Mihara grabbed Orito’s nose, her own face flushing red, as Hiramatsu followed up with a slightly shy expression. I actually found that verse quite amazing. Closing my eyes, I could just imagine Orito tryig to steal underwear in a changing room…
Haruna thought for a little bit…
“It’s now eight o’clock; let’s get the gang together; but today, that’s just…”
“That’s really sad! You don’t have to get everyone together!” (7)
“Umm… remember the seasonal words…”
“The season is the 1970s!”
“Hoo.” The owl earnestly nodded, as if voicing her approval of the 1970s.
“Wow, I never thought of that! As expected from Haruna-chan. I admit defeat.”
I admit defeat. Haruna probably liked hearing those words more than anybody else in the world, and I saw her perk right back up.
“Nyahahaha! You’re a millennium too early if you want to win against me!”
Haruna was so simple that her emotions were like rolls of the dice. You could think you rolled a one but the next second you saw that you had actually rolled a six. It almost made you feel bad for worrying about her.
“Is there no brave man here who can defeat Haruna-chan?!”
Orito banged his fist onto the desk in frustration.
“Ah, I think Mojimoji-kun over there has a pretty good sense when it comes to words.”
Mihara pointed towards Kyouko’s group. Eh? Since when had she started calling Kyouko “Mojimoji-kun”?
“Hmph. It doesn’t matter who it is! Nobody’s a match for me!”
Haruna crossed her arms, her ahoge moving back and forth like windshield wipers.
Orito and Mihara both chuckled at seeing how much fun Haruna was having.
“Ah, I’ll go and call her over.”
Saying that, Mihara stood up and ran over to where Kyouko’s group was.
“I see. You all…”
Before I could say anything, Hiramatsu put a finger up to her lips and shushed me. After that, she glanced over to Haruna, who was still in high spirits.
As I thought. They had realized that Haruna was all alone, and made up this ridiculous haiku battle to try and get her to be a bit more sociable.
“Aikawa~~, look a bit more cheerful!”
Orito had thrown his arms around my shoulders. His spiky hair was poking into my chin… that’s seriously gross.
But, he was right. I should liven up a bit too. Okay then…
Pretending like I was being pushed over by Orito, I also wrapped my arms around Hiramatsu’s shoulders and hugged her.
“…?! Eh? …. Ah… umm…”
“What are you doing, you perv?! You damn Erogu!”
Haruna rained kicks down on me as I regretted doing something inappropriate again.
“Eh? … It’s fine… I was just… a bit surprised.”
Ahh, what a good girl.
Was she really happy being friends with these people?
… Was I friends with these people, anyways?
Actually, what made two people friends? “Oh, hi, let’s be friends.” “Okay.” And then you’re officially friends?
“What do you want, pervert?! You stupid fool! Ayumu!”
It’s almost like she was trying to get my name to rhyme with “fool”…
“I’m not trying to be deep or anything, but I just had a question… what exactly makes two people friends?”
“That’s… oh, right! They say that birds of a feather are friends, right?! So if you meet people who have the same way of looking at things, then you’re friends!”
Actually, the idiom was “birds of a feather flock together,” and it was referring to how similar people tended to gather… like how stands are supposed to attract other stands… (8) but I couldn’t bring myself to correct her.
I see… birds of a feather were friends.
That might’ve been one correct answer to my question.
“So… doesn’t that mean that owl over there is already Haruna’s friend?”
Orito pointed that out, and Haruna glanced at the owl.
Haruna and the owl locked gazes, both their eyes as big as a cat’s. But then, Haruna looked away.
“…… I guess. Maybe.”
Haruna opened her mouth only slightly when she said that, and her words were barely audible. Her ahoge shyly twisted into a loop, as if it were a pig’s tail.
“Hoo hoo.” That’s right, that’s right! the owl seemed to be saying as it nodded. The owl raised it’s wing again.
She was inviting Haruna to high five her again, as a sign of friendship. And this time, Haruna…
“Shut up! I’m definitely not gonna do something that embarrassing!”
She wanted to make friends. But, for some reason she was embarrassed.
Orito and I laughed loudly at seeing Haruna looking so lost because of that.
(1) A Japanese idiom that translates to “becoming enlightened.”
(2) To my knowledge, there are only 47 prefectures.
(3) Reference to Tirol Chocolate, a Japanese chocolate brand.
(4) A J-drama actor.
(5) Uhh, where do I start. “I love Mayo” here was said “mayora-,” which is a play on words for “mayo love.” In the 20th century there was also a term called “Amura-,” which refers to people who were huge fans of Namie Amuro and dressed like her. So the literal translation of this exchange would go something like “Mayora-“ “You want to dress like Kawasaki Mayo?” “She confused that with Amura- or something!” Clearly not very translatable.
(6) Genius is written as “tensai,” where the “ten” is the kanji for sky.
(7) A reference to a 1970s comedy show, whose title roughly translates to “It’s Eight O’Clock! Let’s Get the Gang Together.” I’m assuming the reason it’s “sad” is because some of the original cast members have passed away, but I’m not sure. Also, this show is way too old for any of these characters (who are supposedly in high school) to really care…
(8) A reference to Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure.