Chapter 4 – I’d Rather Die than Kiss You
Chapter 4: Part 1
I was lying on my bed.
How long had I been unconscious? My arms and legs still worked. My head felt a bit dizzy, but it was no big deal.
However, my body felt a bit sluggish. It felt as if I had a cold.
I faced upwards and relaxed my body. My body really wanted to sleep, but it seemed that once I had woken up, my brain didn’t want to go back to sleep anymore. Just completely not being able to sleep was really harsh.
Well, I guess… this was a pretty definite proof that Sera’s cooking just couldn’t be eaten.
I felt a cool sensation on my forehead.
I opened my eyes slightly, and I saw a gauntleted hand above me.
“Yuu… were you nursing me back to health?”
In response to my words, Yuu took off her gauntlet. Panicking a bit, I stopped her from exposing her white, frail hands to me.
“Wait wait! I don’t need you to heal me.”
Certainly, if Yuu touched people with her bare hands, she had the ability to take injuries that they wanted to heal and transfer those injuries onto herself. And she had waited for me to wake up because she probably couldn’t use her ability on people who weren’t conscious. It was probably important for the person himself to want to heal the injury.
“What happened with Sera’s food?”
Haruna threw it out without mercy.
I see. I could almost see Sera’s depressed face in my head.
“She cried… was she really that depressed? And how was Haruna’s cooking?”
It was delicious.
… I see. What happened to my portion then?
“Yuu, sorry, but could you call Haruna here for me?”
I sounded almost like a mosquito with how low I was speaking. But I couldn’t do any better.
Yuu gave me a single nod, stood up, and left the room.
I gave a huge, long sigh, and placed an arm on my forehead. To think that a zombie could faint…
The door opened with a bang, and Haruna appeared with her ahoge bouncing up and down.
In the next moment, Haruna jumped onto the bed and her body pressed right into mine. All the air in my lungs whooshed out at the impact.
“Haruna…” I looked at her angrily.
“Hey, you’re alive.”
Haruna laughed and sat up on top of me. She was mounting me like she would a horse.
“Ah…” I made a bit of a sound. There was a tiny, tiny pair of breasts in front of my eyes. Haruna had leaned in towards me, and I could see her “breasts” through a gap in her shirt.
Hnngghh… I might be a zombie, but I was still a mammal. I was weak when it came to breasts.
My face unconsciously heated up. There wasn’t that much to be seen there… but even so, I could feel my heart fluttering. I knew it was summer, but… at least wear a damn bra.
Haruna reacted when she heard me mumble that. And then, she realized her body’s position and where I was looking, her ahoge stood straight up, and she blushed crimson.
“You hentai! Eroward Eroric!” (1)
What kind of alchemist was that supposed to be? I put my hands together in a praying position, and brought my fists down on her.
“Well, I actually meant that as a compliment.”
“Ayumu, you idiot! Y-You don’t have to put every single thing into words!”
That was a fully-justified insult, and I couldn’t say anything in return. Haruna jumped up and down, and I could feel my insides getting crushed more and more.
But I’m glad. It seemed that she had returned to her old self. She was probably satisfied after she had gotten all her fuzzy feelings out into the open. My own feelings had nothing to do with it.
She was happy with just spitting out what she had wanted to get out.
“So, where’s my dinner?”
“Hm? Ahh, I’ll go bring it, so wait just a bit.”
Haruna went out and Yuu came back in, sitting on her knees right next to the bed. Her blue eyes gazed straight at my face, and her gauntleted hand covered mine.
I usually wouldn’t think too much of this situation, but because Haruna had done those strange things, I felt a bit strange every time Yuu touched my skin.
I wonder what Yuu thought of me…
I blushed a bit and looked away, when Haruna suddenly came back into the room carrying something strange, and I couldn’t help but turn my gaze in her direction.
Yuu took one look at the thing Haruna was carrying before she went back to watching my face.
“What the hell is that…?”
I knew all too well what it was that Haruna had brought in. I could understand why it was, but I had no idea why it was here.
“What is it? It’s bamboo, of course.”
“Well, no, I can see that much. The problem is what exactly you’re planning on doing with that…”
“What I’m planning to do… I’m just planning to set it up, of course.”
“Set it up…”
The bamboo pole was split in half, and Haruna used it to form a bridge between me and my bookcase.
Was that bamboo left over from Tanabata? Exactly how many of those did she end up snatching?
And then, Sera appeared. She was carrying a tray, on which I could see a pot. Don’t tell me… that while I was out, she went and did more cooking…?
“I cooked some rice porridge. Please, eat some.”
She did more cooking! Come on, someone stop her! Someone stop the person who got me here in bed like this in the first place!
“I made some too! I’m going to start flowing it down, alright?!”
At Haruna’s words, I started to think about the current setup in my room.
Right now, there was a bamboo pole cut in half, going from my bookshelf to me almost like a slide.
It was expertly fixed, and set up perfectly so that it couldn’t move at all.
And then, the splendidly cut end of the bamboo pole on my side, which was probably done by Sera, was facing towards my face.
… Don’t tell me… don’t tell me…
… Doesn’t this look like a setup for flowing wheat noodles? (2)
Huh? Wait, why am I also fixed to the bed? When did this… dammit, I can’t move at all! Everything below my neck was fixed to the bed with wires or something!
Haruna got on top of a chair. Sera passed the pot to Haruna. Looking up at that display, Yuu seemed to be thinking the same thing I was thinking and heartlessly moved away from me.
“Well, if youz is ready, here I go!”
What the hell was up with that dialect? (3)
“Wait! Stop that right now!”
I tried to pick my upper body up, but Sera had a green-colored sword gripped in her hand.
“Are you saying that you can’t eat my cooking? Even though I tried so very, very, very hard to make it for you?”
“I’m really grateful for that, but umm… do you plan to chop my head off?”
“If the need arises.”
But if you do that, none of the food is going to reach my stomach…
“Hm? … It’s not flowing down.”
Giving the bamboo a short glance, I saw that the rice porridge was stuck in the middle.
“Umm… I do apologize but, is there any way you could just feed it to me?”
“We’re trying to feed it to you right now, aren’t we?”
“No no, I mean feed it to me properly with a spoon or something…”
“We’re using bamboo.”
“I apologize for repeating myself, but please use something more ‘proper’…”
“Don’t worry! We’re using proper bamboo!”
I give up!
“Did you really think we would fawn over you and feed you like that?”
I mean, I finally get to live with bishoujo… so can’t they at least make my dreams come true when I’m frazzled or in pain?
“Sera, at least tell me what ingredients you used. What did you put in the rice porridge?”
“Ayumu, how much do you plan to mock me? Maybe we should try flowing the porridge down right into your throat?”
“No, I didn’t mean to mock you. I just want to know.”
“Geez… since when do people have to spell out all the ingredients in their cooking? There was rice, and water… well, I used a bit of mortar as a secret ingredient, but… it’s not like the ingredients are pesticide-free, so I didn’t use CGs either.”
Well then, use CG… wait, use pesticide-free ingredients, dammit! That was close! I almost got taken for an idiot there! The important point here wasn’t CGs or whatever!
“Haruna, what exactly is mortar?”
“Eh? Umm… well, it’s that, I think. Yeah, it’s that.”
Haruna didn’t seem to know what it was. It must’ve been something from this world.
Tap tap. I got tapped on the shoulder. Hm? Yuu seems to know what it was.
It’s the thing you get when you add water to cement. = “Mortar… well.. it’s something like concrete, I think?”
… What. I don’t know if I should scream or struggle here. Or maybe just run.
No, I should probably scream. But my voice was just too weak.
Come on, Ayumu, think. Think of something! … Ding! Right, that’s what I can do!
“I really want to try Haruna’s rice porridge first, I think.”
I decided that this was the best move I had. I would take my fill of Haruna’s splendid rice porridge, and I would announce that I was completely full, thus naturally evading the task of having to try Sera’s cooking.
“Alright, then I’ll flow mine down now!”
Ahh, Haruna’s rice porridge? I wonder what it would taste like… I’m sure it’ll be delicious. I wonder what she seasoned it with?
I heard a schrrp!! sound, and Haruna looked displeased. She got down from the chair, tossed the tray on my desk, and left the room. It seemed she just wouldn’t accept the fact that the porridge wouldn’t go down the bamboo.
“Yuu, could you feed me Haruna’s porridge?”
I should take this chance and eat while I can. Yuu nodded once, and brought over the tray with the pot on it to my pillow side. There was one pot of very sticky-looking white porridge, and one bowl of concrete-colored concrete.
It was pretty frightening how sticky that white porridge looked, but no matter how I looked at it that was probably Haruna’s dish.
“You probably can’t tell which one is mine, can you? It’s my masterpiece, after all.”
Sera hummed with pride. When I picked the white porridge, Sera seemed incredibly shocked and dropped her leaf sword to the ground. Yes, it looked like I had made the right choice. Although, it’s not like that was too difficult.
“…… Ayumu, this one over here is definitely more delicious than that one, you know?”
“That one over there is obviously the one Sera made, isn’t it?”
I told her that, and Sera gave me a small groan and put a finger to her lips.
She seemed to be struggling with what to say next. On the one hand, she could say Haruna’s porridge was her own and bask in the glory of my praise. On the other hand, she had her pride and didn’t want to lie. When it came to cooking, her usual composed, commanding personality just disappeared somewhere.
Well then, let’s eat quickly while Sera is preoccupied.
Yuu scooped out a spoonful of porridge and blew on it.
And then, Yuu opened her mouth a bit. I heard the cute Yuu in my head go “Here, onii-chan~~. Open up and say aaaaahhhh~~” and smile at me. Yes, this was it! This was how life should be!
“Aahhhhh.” I opened my mouth wide and she fed me a spoonful.
This was…! I see! So this stickiness was cheese! And this taste, I see, this was cream sauce, wasn’t it?! But this didn’t count as rice porridge anymore. It also didn’t count as a risotto… this was doria (4)! Seafood doria!
This really wasn’t something you should be feeding a sick person… squid and things like that were pretty hard to digest, weren’t they?
I really didn’t know how to put how good this was into words, but for now, I’ll just say that it was delicious.
The goddess next to me took one more spoonful of porridge out. I watched her gauntlet and opened my mouth up wide again, knowing all too well how embarrassingly doting I looked. But then, at the same time, the door slammed open.
“Hey, gloomy necromancer, what are you doing?! I’ll feed Ayumu, so give me that!”
Haruna karate-chopped Yuu’s gauntlets, and the spoon fell into the doria. In her other hand she held a… a kettle? What did she want to do with that kettle? I could have sworn I saw the air in the room shivering… this gave me a really, really bad feeling…
Haruna snatched the tray forcefully from Yuu, and using the chair as a footstool, she held up the kettle.
Don’t tell me… stop that… for the love of God…
“Go, Grayson! Messer Wing!”
Why are you quoting such an obscure character like Karl Lichter von Randoll (5)? I watched as the seafood doria slowly came towards me, and I felt a chill go up my spine. I wasn’t in a sauna, and yet I couldn’t stop the zombie sweat from breaking out across my brow.
Haruna began to tip the kettle forwards… give… me a damn break… I tried to run away as much as possible, but Sera held me down.
“Patients should lie there quietly.”
Sera gave me an icy-cold look and smiled. She’s looking forward to what’s going to happen after this, isn’t she? What a demon this vampire ninja was!
I could see steam coming from the spout of the kettle…. Huh? Don’t tell me… it was boiling water?! She was planning to send hot water going down that thing?! Save me! Yuu… ah, she’s over there hiding out.
I see. If boiling water came crashing down onto me, there would probably be a splash zone, wouldn’t there?
“Don’t worry! Have faith in me!”
Don’t be absurd… there was no way I could trust Haruna considering the position I was in right now.
“Someone, help me…”
Nobody heard the bitter cry my heart was giving out. And then, like a water slide, boiling water went running down the bamboo pole. The hot water turned into a muddy stream and rushed right onto my face.
(1) Edward Elric’s porn name, I’ll bet.
(2) Rather elaborate Japanese cuisine where you cook wheat noodles and flow them in cold water down a bamboo pipe. People wait at the bottom and grab the noodles when they get down there.
(3) She actually says “if you’re ready” in Kansai-ben, but I tried to localize the translation.
(4) Roasted rice pilaf topped with cheese and cream.
(5) Character from Future GPX Cyber Formula. What the hell ever.