Chapter 2: Part 6
Now, there are some that question whether cooking lessons are actually necessary.
However, let me just take a chance and say it: yes, they are.
I think that home economics is more important than gym class for productive members of society.
After all, nobody can live without eating!
I wanted to scream that to the heavens, but this was probably because I had suffered through Sera’s cooking. Either way, normal students were still opposed to this class.
Well, I admit, it wasn’t really an interesting class.
In the end, it was the kind of class that was completely dominated by experienced people. In other words, the women had the captain’s chair, and us laymen just chatted in the corner while we waited for the meal to finish.
Was there really any other class that was so boring? Well, yeah, there was…
We separated into our respective teams and gathered at the sink. Everyone I had seen at gym class was present.
There was the pigtailed beauty, Hiramatsu. The graceful way in which she carried herself kind of reminded me of Yuu.
Next, there was Mihara with her long, light brown hair, though her hair had been tied up during the basketball match. Her sleeves were rolled up and she seemed brimming with motivation, but she probably just wanted to beat Tomonori.
And then there was the tall one, Shimomura. He had large hands, a large build, a tight body and a handsome face. He looked nothing like a Japanese person, and so his nickname was Anderson.
And then there was Tomonori… and that damn Orito.
For some reason, Orito’s apron came with disgusting frills. I had forgotten about today, so I was participating with the jersey I had brought to use for gym class.
“Well, today we’re going to prep some fish…”
As the teacher in charge of the class, known as “Boring Hurricane,” explained the plan for the class to us, I poked Orito with my elbow.
“What the hell is up with that apron?”
“This? I mail-ordered it. I wanted to get Sera-san to wear it for me.”
“Naked apron, huh? You should probably quit. Tokyo Bay is going to be dyed red with your blood.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Aikawa. This isn’t a normal apron. It’s part of a maid uniform!”
“Hm, I wonder why I’m the one who just got called an idiot…”
“Hey! Over there! Stop being gross!”
“Sensei, that’s a rather strange way to get angry.”
Anderson raised one of his long hands up and protested.
The teacher in charge of the class, known as “Colorless Typhoon,” coughed once.
“Well, to be honest, we had planned for Unabara-sensei from the Gourmet Club to be here, but he said he had to drop a hint to his son or something and suddenly couldn’t make it (1). It was a last-minute cancellation.”
“Awww…” Disappointed voices were heard all round. They sure had hired someone really famous to come…
“And, well, I was a bit worried I wouldn’t be able to find a replacement, but Yoshida introduced me to someone.”
In front of me, Tomonori hummed with pride.
For a second, I wondered if she had called in a vampire ninja, but…
“Well then, sensei, please come in.”
Cling clang cling clang. At the sight of the person who came in, my face twisted so much that my nose probably looked like a pig’s snout.
“Cute~~.” “So small~!” The girls in the room let out shrill squeals.
“She’s pretty cute.” “Man, look at that ahoge.” “Well, that’s just…” The boys in the room let out darkish voices.
The person standing on the teaching platform was a 145-cm-tall girl. She had huge, cat-like eyes. Her chestnut, shoulder-length hair and the ahoge standing tall on the top of her head were her trademarks.
And her name was…
“I’m the genius bishoujo demon baroness masou shoujo Haruna-chan!”
A huge wave of applause broke through the room.
“Haruna-chan, exactly what are you supposed to be?”
Haruna immediately got a slightly teasing question thrown at her.
“It’s as you see… I’m a soldier!”
I really wanted to ask her to start the lecture by teaching us where it was that she looked like a soldier…
Suddenly, a wave of laughter broke out. Well, I guess if she wasn’t being an annoyance, Haruna was actually pretty cute. Even if she acted in that kind of crazy way, people could just laugh it off.
“I’m giving your lecture today, so be grateful, yeah?!”
“Master! Please teach us!”
Tomonori raised her voice; it looked like she was having fun.
“Harunachaan~~. It’s me. Throw me your panties!”
And Orito was screwing around. Ask that again after you’ve collected all the Dragonballs.
I just stood, alone, and held my head in my hands.
All right, time to do my best to make it seem like Haruna and I didn’t know each other. I’d try to hide so she doesn’t see me.
“Today, we’ll be focusing on stewing mackerel with miso. For short, we’re going to be making a dish called ‘To Your Soba’ (2). The ingredients are mackerel, dark-brown miso paste, and sake. Ahh, and afterwards, we’re also going to make miso soup and fried eggs.”
“Sensei, if it’s called ‘To your Soba,’ wouldn’t we be making soba and not mackerel?”
“Shut up! Go die!”
She didn’t respond to questions. As expected from Haruna.
“All right, let’s start with ‘Dokidoki Survival Niichan.’” (3)
“She changed the name.” “This is starting to seem unreasonable…” “Isn’t that new dish name even longer than the original name?” “She probably just wants to shorten it to ‘Sabani.’” “You’re a piece of work, you know that…?”
I heard whispers all around me. But Haruna didn’t seem to mind at all, starting to list out the recipe on the blackboard. She wrote everything too low, so it was hard to see, so the teacher in charge of the class, known as “Worthless,” began to rewrite it higher up.
“Well, for the miso soup, you can just make it how you like it, but the problem is the fried egg. People who don’t take fried eggs seriously will definitely die within a hundred years, so make sure you pay attention!”
Nobody retorted anymore. It wasn’t because they were ignoring her; it was more that people were having fun watching that small creature huff-and-puff around.
“You there! What do you usually put on your fried egg?!”
“Soy sauce for me.”
“What about you?”
“This class is filled with idiots. What about you?”
Haruna slammed her hand on the blackboard.
“All of you are worthless! Listen! You put your life in fried eggs!”
Haruna began to give an impassioned speech, beating her hand on her small chest.
“Breathe your soul into it! Even if you end up dying within a hundred years!”
Wait, then we’ll die within a hundred years either way…
“Could it be that you’ve made fried egg for Aikawa before?”
I couldn’t really tell exactly who had asked that question. If I could, I would’ve gifted that person a zombie punch later.
A wave of commotion broke out. Once, my classmates had the fortune to enjoy the Aikawa Household’s Ultimate Fried Eggs. And with Orito and Tomonori’s contributions to the conversation as well as Haruna’s impassioned speech, someone probably got the idea to ask that question.
“Well, of course! After all, we live-“
“Whatever, just start the lesson already!!”
I shouted out, trying to interrupt Haruna… And in the meantime, I hid behind Anderson, trying to not be seen.
(1) A reference to Oishinbo, a rather old manga. Unabara-sensei (actually, his name is Kaibara-sensei but it probably was changed here for copyright reasons) and his son are rivals.
(2) Anata no soba ni also means “to your side,” whereas “soba” sounds like “saba”… so Haruna is making a really random pun here.
(3) Dokidoki Survival is a Prince of Tennis dating sim. The “ni” in niichan is written with the kanji for “boil,” although niichan also means brother. Survival is “sabaibaru,” and “saba” means mackerel.